am i overreacting to my husband's drinking

This is probably going to seem like a bunch of rambling so please bear with me. My husband grew up in a foreign country and has been drinking alcohol his whole life. Quiz: Have You Broken up or Are on a Break? I don't know then how much he was drinking at that time, but currently he is up to 3-4 per night. Take some time to disengage from the fight and tell your partner that you plan to reconvene the discussion once youve calmed down. In the last 3 years my husband has gradually begun to drink more and I would now consider him an alcoholic. The result was that I became angry and that made things worse. wr40 - he won't be happy about it himself. I've been wondering something for a while, or maybe worrying about something would be a better way of putting it. You don't need to hire a private investigator to learn if your husband is cheating. Does your lover prefer going out on their own because of how you behave? Why? it won't be easy and I wish you luck and happiness Hi - well that is my fave line of all"Love him, he is alone as well". If I couldn't justify my boundaries intellectually, I couldn't have them. Hello helplessYou're not over reacting. BUT when he retires, who knows, a sad mind does things to you and retiring can make you very sad. DEFINITELY don't accuse him of being an alcoholic. I am at a loss as to the next step. And I worry what effects this will have on his health. Wondering how to know if youre overreacting in a relationship? Your Time is Valuable. Posted Now your boyfriend talks about tolerance, and yes, tolerance can play a part in making a person who frequently drinks feel less drunk, but based on your description my guess is he and his friends . I think, if it were not for our kid or the fact that we are married, I would be gone already. The conversation of course evolved into a fight and he couldnt let go of the fact that he cooked dinner so why was i being mean to him. . She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Besides who knows how much family members drink behind closed doors? For the past several years, I went through almost exactly this amount of alcohol. New here - Can alcoholism change someone's personality? He has been seeing a counsellor, but it would appear that it's not working. What a monster right? I didnt say anything at first bc i wanted dinner with the kids to be pleasant. Pay attention to how he talks. While questioning your spouse on their drinking habits may seem like a bold move, the longer you leave the subject unresolved, the increased likelihood that the problem will only worsen. 3. I told my husband that I felt that way and he said he figured it was not any worse than pizza. Warning: long post (this is my first one ever)My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for over 15 and have 3 kids. Now. Im so glad I did. Reach out to trusted friends and family members and speak with a mental health professional if you need support for leaving the relationship. Aug. 2, 2019 Josep Suria/Shutterstock In the middle of an argument, it can be easy to say something hurtful that you don't really mean. If you see negative changes, that's what you should discuss with him, instead of how much alcohol he's consuming -- since he apparently thinks he's not overindulging. If you get even more upset when your partner says that you're overreacting for having a reasonable response to a difficult situation, that can really be harmful for your relationship and erode your self-esteem, she says. My husband is You should get some good replies and advice from other people in this group. He wasnt acting up or stumbling around or out of control. When we first started dating he never drank (like maybe a glass of wine once a month) and when we first moved in together I almost felt like he was judging me a bit if I had more than 2 drinks (I used to drink wine or beer in the evenings once or twice a week). Priory aspires to deliver the highest quality care in the UK across our range of services, which include acute mental healthcare, addiction treatment and low and medium secure facilities. I love him a lot. He is escaping something.maybe if he gets it off his chesthe will be better able to refrain from drinking. I used to argue he needed to stop drinking. The quantity has nothing much to do with it, the fact is that everyone starts somewhere and rarely do they quit unless someone intervenes. You might feel triggered by your partners word choice, actions, or tone. If you have pre-existing mental health problems like anxiety disorder, a therapist can help you find out more effective ways to cope instead of overreacting. He knows he's got a problem, otherwise why drink in secret. 6 years ago, I am, writing this now, because last night I feel like it went to a new level. have you asked him what has brought on his drinking? Its even harder to see that sometimes you might be the one whos overreacting when your emotions are flying high. That is why it seemed like an "overreaction.". If your partner says one of these toxic things to you, that isn't necessarily a sign that the entire relationship is worth abandoning. October 19, 2021 / Mental Health How to Tell if You Have a Toxic Parent An expert explains what to look for It's not unusual to have a complicated relationship with your parents. Theres nothing that seems to make you calm down at the moment. Or perhaps he tried nice booze and realized how to enjoy life's little luxuries. If you have no control over the way youre talking or dealing with your partner, you might be overreacting. Its only natural for you to respond with heightened emotion in a time like that. Thanks for sharing your experience. The unusual thing about this story isn't that he started drinking more; it's that you're afraid to talk to him about it. If you believe your wife or husband drinks too much, approaching the subject can be difficult at first. I know that will not go over well with him though. HelplessinTN, I am sorry you are experiencing anxiety and anger with your spouse. The problem is the AMOUNT of beer the man can put away. He can no longer push it away or bury his head in the sand. A spouse like you should join a support group for the families of alcoholics. It's a medical disorder, not a lifestyle choice. We have been arguing over this forever. Heres what happened tonight that spawned this post-and Ill try to be brief. Here are 10 effective coping strategies for calming your emotions and preventing overreacting in a relationship. You may feel your partner is against you and start assuming the worst. July 13, 2022 Carol Gravitt Concerns about your husband's drinking habits can generate tension and strain in a relationship. https://patient.info/forums/discuss/husband-is-a-secret-drinker-528099. Crying hysterically and yelling at your partner without giving them a chance to explain, Difficulty seeing partners point of view and dismissing their feelings, Feeling disconnected from the present moment and not being able to accept reality, Calling your partner names or screaming at them, Your partner may show signs of overreacting if theyve been dealing with chronic. 8 Things That Are Never OK For A Partner To Say To You, How To Have A Sexy Fling On The DL During A Family Vacation, The Sanctity Of The Morning-After Debrief, These 3 Zodiac Signs Will Breeze Right Through July's Full Buck Moon, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. Talking can be a great way to cope with stress, too. without hurting each other. For instance, you may not like when your spouse cuts you off and doesnt let you finish what you were saying. In this case, it can be possible to meet somewhere in the middle, perhaps suggesting that you both dedicate an evening each week to not drinking alcohol, or that your partner makes a promise to reduce the amount they drink when you are out together. Dear Trying: Kudos to your friends for their good advice. You want me to come home?" And I responded "the problem was not letting me know and also still being a 26 yo still partying and sleeping over at friends houses." I said "no, I don't even want you home anymore actually." I asked him if we could cut back on that a bit and he replaced the quantity with cheap beer, which was the first time I was a bit worried. It's useful to see it from the 'other side of the fence'. Hi again Cottagegirl. Never ever blame yourself, it's his choice to drink, and until he takes some positive action himself and admits everything to you, there is very little you can do. have found that, while you-statements provoke anger, I-statements can reduce hostility and defensiveness. Our clinical information meets the standards set by the NHS in their Standard for Creating Health Content guidance. Do you tend to suppress your feelings and later blow up at your partner when you cant hold them in anymore? Talk to him. It has to come from him. Do your best to stay calm, Dr. Doug Weiss, a licensed psychologist and relationship therapist, tells Bustle. Overreacting in a relationship should happen only a few times in the relationship or this type of behavior may cost you your relationship. There is a lovely lady on this forum whose in a similar situation to you. I don't know how to address this. DEAR OVERWHELMED:You can't fix your husband. A study conducted by the University of Texas has shown that repressing our emotions can make us more aggressive. but thats never really where the story ends, is it. The legal age of consent, previously at only 13, has been raised to 16 years. Appetite, sleep, mood, work, relationships, driving anything? Your partner may show signs of overreacting if theyve been dealing with chronic health issues. But, you probably started to get all defensive as you heard them accusing you of not doing enough around the house and started complaining that they never water the plants and never help you with anything. appropriate medical assistance immediately. Our 13 yr old daughter has seen him wasted so many times and it upsets her. The uncle you "never saw drunk" could easily have fixed himself a nice little night cap. You may have emotional triggers responsible for stimulating a strong emotional response even when its totally unwarranted. Over time, that last one become the most problematic. HE has no power on his own to stop the cravings without medical help.?? Your husband definitely needs to stop his alcohol consumption immediately or severely lessen it because this will cause great harm to him physically, if it has not already Dr. Z : Also his behavior psychologically to his alcohol use is one of denial and rationalization Customer: Yes! In my opinion, the only thing this has to do with your past is that you grew up experiencing a certain amount of chronic intoxication as normal. I am not a doctor, but that feels like its at least one serving too many. The next step is to tell them how their drinking is impacting you. Taking a time-out and removing yourself from the situation is an effective strategy to prevent overreaction and resolve conflict in a relationship. He will probably feel ashamed, guilty, frightened and worried. However, the important issue here is that you've noticed a change in his behavior and it's worrying you. Wives know their husbands; if he changes how he normally talks or behaves, then he might be cheating or lying. So I texted and asked him Have you been drinking? Your husband, on the other hand, appears not to be. I dont know what to do and I feel stuck in the same old cycle. Ask MetaFilter is where thousands of life's little questions are answered. He drinks beer the way I drink water. "This is a power technique and toxic to any relationship," Ketch says. If you have no control over the way you're talking or dealing with your partner, you might be overreacting. If your overreaction has started to affect your relationship, its time to get help from a licensed therapist. You're struggling to control your emotions If you're asking yourself, 'am I overreacting in a relationship?' check if you're feeling overly emotional. Sometimes, toxicity can verge on abuse, she says. Your heart rate might increase, and you might start to feel tightness in your chest. Dear Miss Manners: A Major League Baseball player has moved into my neighborhood, and friends have told me that they have seen him at . I would talk to him about it, but don't be confrontational about it. He's no happier about the situation than you are, but he doesn't need confrontation on top, what he needs is a solution, not someone pointing out that he has no moral fibre. Yes, he was counselled by a support worker (no disrespect), so I think he has to move on. A highly sensitive person can feel overwhelmed when dealing with relationship issues that can make them overreact to their partner. We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are What if Im overreacting? and What will I do if they react negatively? are common thoughts which can prevent the situation from being discussed and ultimately resolved. By full size bottle every week, I assume you mean one liter. But it's not OK for them to treat you this way, no matter what the reason. If your overreaction has started to affect your relationship, its time to get help from a licensed. All rights reserved. If you are regularly spotting signs your partner may have a drinking problem or even an alcohol addiction, there are several ways you can positively influence their drinking habits. 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