After a couple weeks, they gave her 24 hrs. I am sure that there are many people who love you and care about you and these people would be hurt deeply and profoundly if you were to take your life. She said I was having a mental breakdown and need ed to see my Dr ASAP. A huge part of me is still in unbelief this has happened. A nervous breakdown is a very real thing and any normal person would have suffered one long before you did under identical circumstances. After leaving your abusive relationship, no one can predict your emotions exactly. He dosent know yet . While he was ill I felt sick about his suffering and deterioration. Who really knows ? Suzanne October 4, 2019 at 11:36 pm Reply. That cannot be healthy. Theres nothing Id rather have than for him to be alive and healthy and happy. You can also subscribe without commenting. Even though it meant that it ended in death. My son served in the Army for 20 years. He was always trying to take my husbands place as their father. It will devastate my family forever, but having him alive and using will also devastate us and put others around him at risk. My MIL died today and all I fell is relief. Hey Kathy, do you mean that youre no longer receiving emails about new posts??? I was devastated when I I found out he was dead, I loved him, I still love him but now I start to feel relief that he isn't in our life anymore. She had manic depression all her life. Her passing was a relief. Bipolar disorder. Isabelle Siegel January 26, 2021 at 11:19 am Reply. They are OURS to have and keep and continue to make with others. I dont quite know how to describe it and maybe its just a lot of energy with no place to go now he isnt here to fuss over, but its kind of an empty, shocked feeling. Etc. I feel such relief I can come and go without worrying about her, relief from the great financial cost. It means were still here, and we know that life goes on. Sometimes I just dont know how to be there for my Mother when she gets so down about her Mother being gone. I feel the guilt. A little over a year after her diagnosis she had started to decline quickly after doing so well with her treatments. You need grief counseling. But I miss him so much. I am glad you are healthy enough emotionally to understand that feeling relief from the two situations is okay, and its totally normal to feel that pressure lifted while also losing someone. ; Honestly speaking, I feel relieved at this turn of events. To see the years of suffering from disease end and to see the years of suffering from abuse end brought me a release. But I still cry my eyes out at times. Ditto ditto ditto, Bruce November 6, 2020 at 9:23 pm Reply. Here I am worried that im no feeling it for these people and why is that so. And as such, you enjoy the freedom that comes from not having your husband around. I lost my son age 34 to heroin/fentanyl overdose almost 3 mos ago. So while we're busting assumptions and misconceptions, let's discuss a few common experiences related to relief. This article, and reading that I am not alone in this journey has been tremendously helpful.! If you have not read it, we do have a post about traumatic loss here. It came out of nowhere and we were told right away that it was stage 4 and pretty much they could do nothing but keep her comfortable. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. I couldnt do it. When the person dies, the death can cause relief because the painful and problematic relationship has ended, even though you may have wished it would have ended in another way. The night we found our 25 yr old son dead from an overdose, I felt a moment of relief. Relief that my Dad is no longer sick. Discover the way out of the trap you are in. I was the scapegoat who took the abuse. Now I feel free and just hope she is at peace. The person he was under that disease was truly remarkable. Like a heavy weight was lifted off of me . We have a 5 years old girl and a 3 years old boy. In fact, I was glad that I and the world were finally rid of them and their destructive actions. I know that I'm supposed to feel relieved and thankful. Elizabeth F June 1, 2016 at 3:30 pm Reply. At the end they were both huge burdens phone calls almost every day that were emergencies. SHALOM, Justina October 1, 2022 at 11:17 am Reply. I had to sit with my parents hoping for a miracle while he convulsed and gagged. I loved him, he love me , although throughout our marriage he was not the type of man to show emotions. My wife of 50+ years passed away peacefully at home after a long illness. I Feel Relieved When My Husband Is Away 02 August, 2017 QSalam Aleikom. Recognizing that you met the demands of caregiving all the way to the end is one of the best buffers against undeserved guilt. I feel horrible about it for so long I was just so bitchy at him a lot he lived with me and my parents and I was like that with my parents too. Sue, I imagine mixed emotions is exactly the term for it. She was in ICU with a tube down her throat writing that she was in pain. I lost my dad 7 years ago due to illness and my pet just now due to illness. I have described him as being passively suicidal for the last 3 years of his lifewhen a MRSA infection started complicating chronic pain, mental health and addiction issues. We started process of divorce b/c I couldnt take the actions from his addiction any longer. am i suppose to feel this way. He was mentally and verbally abusive and (Im sure) at times may have physically abused her along with other family members. Kathy Mawer August 13, 2016 at 6:02 pm Reply, Eleanor, That is right. I never got to see him alive again. He was ill for over 30 years, the last few were increasingly stressful and the caretaking was intense. WOW this is my story with my mom to a tee. Yes, of course. 1. Thanks for validating my feelings of relief, though you are not the only ones. The night I had to call for help he had fallen down on the floor upstairs in his room. Jack Hendron January 13, 2019 at 8:58 pm Reply. And relief that I no longer would have to handle things that I was totally unprepared for and incapable of doing. The feeling of happiness that you have when something unpleasant stops or does not happen. You likely felt this relief because you were unknowingly experiencing anticipatory grief, which you can read about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/, Relief is normal. He had been sick for 2.5 years with a terminal illness and slowly declining over that time. I didnt know how much I needed to see this until it was laid out in front of me in this post. But I know she is surrounded by love where she is, I can feel it. In some ways I know he not in pain anymore. I am on the other side of the situation now, where I have a brother (32 years old) that has been using narcotics for the past 10 years, most of the time living in our family home and being physically and financially abusive to my parents. I only hope and pray the same fate doesnt await him and us. I wish I could have helped him. I do feel like Ive set that burden down and feel I can breathe again. Relief is an emotion I think many do feel ashamed of, despite how common it is. The Drs changed her medications and things just went downhill from there. Anger. Nicola Willis July 25, 2022 at 3:22 pm Reply, Dear Tracey, thank you so much for sharing what youve been through and are going through. You did notwantthem to leave you, you would give anything for them to have been cured and to have lived pain free. He was chronically ill for fifteen years, and increasingly difficult as his mental and physical abilities withered away. And theres a degree of schadenfreude mixed in, as theyve caused us a lot of pain and stress. I mean, the truth of the matter is that I feel relieved. He also struggled most his life, and knowing that his struggles are gone and the absence of these stresses creates a sense of relief. My mentor recently passed away from a heart attack, and its difficult to reconcile all the negative emotions and memories with the positive memories and everything she did for me and my career. We did not have a close relationship but I loved and love him very much. He feels like he cant function w/o her. Its a long story. My mom also died from covid and also had dementia. I had determined not to comment myself because I did not want to upset my beloved husband. Myth:Feeling relief in this situation means youwanted the person to die. I used to say, my loss, her gain, because she clearly felt relief when her father died, that she could finally show the world who she was. Had I gone as long as you had in that same situation I have zero doubt I would have raised my voice more than once. Similarly, my late husband was mentally ill, abusive and died by suicide two years ago. In the case of anticipated losses, there can be months, years, and even decades of caregiving that can be overwhelming and exhausting (though adjectives dont even seem like enough!). But that day was a long time coming, and preceded by a ton of heartbreak and worry and the continued mourning that people do when someone is alive, but has a disease that will kill him or her. I figured I would have some big emotional breakdown when he passed, much like I did when we found out he was sick, but instead it was a feeling of relief for him. Jean Kirschenheiter July 20, 2019 at 4:16 pm Reply. Ive prayed for it for a long time. He is scheduled to be released into a less secure setting in a couple of weeks, but hes already started using again, sneaking cocaine into the nursing home at least four times. https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/, https://www.legacycommunityhealth.org/services/behavioral-health/. Everyone was suffering. I dont want to presume that I know what youre thinking or what youre going through, but I promise you that if you harm yourself it will bring pain and sadness to others, not relief. I shook away the thought as quickly as it came." I know he would have, just would have dragged his feet, and ours, on taking any action. I know this sounds foolish to many of you, but not to me because I was the one who raised his voice and they just dont get it. Thanks for that reminder. Well, two assumptions really. Feeling that other carers seem to manage better than you Meeting up with other carers at support groups or reading about other people's experiences might make you think other carers are coping better than you are. He was in the hospital. Ive read all the books and they all say these are normal feelings of grief. When an Estranged Relative Dies, Some Face Grief, Regret and Relief. (And dont we all love those should statements when it comes to grief?). I lived him, but I hated his addiction and what it did to my family, Ruth November 19, 2017 at 8:38 am Reply. Although his deterioration was noticeable, it was not such that I really thought of it as suffering. Step 4. Teri September 17, 2022 at 12:45 am Reply. All the best. ; I mean, on one hand I feel relieved, you know. Shannon January 8, 2022 at 3:12 am Reply. I miss her terribly but am dealing with what I need to do and, most of all, glad that we had our life together. I felt like you were speaking directly to me. My husband passed away on May 29 after a very long illness which caused him to have to spend the last 3 years of his life in a nursing home. If you only yelled once during all that, you are a saint. The person's death is devastating, but the relief from those constant feelings and experiences is undeniable. He had struggled a lot in the past year. If you didnt raise your voice out of exasperation at least once, I would think there really is something wrong with you. I lost my wife to an aggressive cancer in less than a year. I am married for 3 years, and sadly my married life has been an unhappy one. Hi Anna I know this post was from a year ago but yours was the first story I stumbled across similar to mine. Now he is free and Im relieved. Ive been dealing with such rollercoasters of emotions because I just lost my brother to an overdose. Fact: Much like with addiction, all youwanted was for your loved one to find manageable treatment for their mental illness so their suffering could end. Of course I didnt want my brother to die, I wanted so badly for him to do well. After the ambulance took him that nite, after he fell two more times while the ambulance attendants tried to get him down the stairs and loaded up I told him I would see him tomorrow and that I loved him very much. All the best to you. I pray daily to never treat anyone mean and hateful, because words hurt so bad and they can remain in your soul long after death. Im happy Im not alone in this. Sorry, that was a long reply to you, but I just felt a similarity in our situations. It is a blessing he is gone and a major relief to many who had to deal with his problems. In the end I secretly hoped he would pass on his own terms so my parents wouldnt have to make any decisions (Ie. I get great support from PFLAG, especially their Chicago based Parents of Transgender Individuals group. At times I feel that Im not sad enough or shouldnt be able to feel peace about his death. She was angry, bitter, resentful, hateful, selfish, manipulative, narcissistic, sarcastic, abusive, and mean to everyone. ; The truth is out, I feel relieved. Possibly the simplest explanation for how you feel is that you are an independent person. A 2015 study found that 80% of individuals who cut ties with a family member thought it had a positive effect on their lives. I would strongly suggest that as a first step if you have not done so and it may be helpful specifically to look for someone who works in not just grief, but also trauma. Im sorry this was so long, I actually tried to be brief and for that I truly apologize. Myth:Feeling relief in this situation means you wanted the personto die. I feel relieved that the long preparation is finally over, but also apprehensive about taking on the duties of a priest. He said fuck you to me, it wasnt him anymore and I shouted at him to please use the toilet. When I had an IQ test at age 10, the results were 136 but she told me they were barely 120 but only because the psychologist helped me and my sisters were higher. 4. They never shouted at him, I did. I did not no he was suffering after 4 tours in Iraq/ Afghanistan. I have a loving husband. Everyone was in a panic and calling 911. But he did rape me . When he was sober and stable, he was a sensitive, loving, happy poet. Each reason you listed above was a check mark in my head. Being a caregiver is one of the most stressful experiences a person can have. I have been so ashamed of feeling this emotion, but finally came to understand it wasnt for his death but for the hyper-vigilant state of fear, worry, anxiety, etc. Talk about mixed emotions. I almost ended up homeless and she wouldnt help me but she was supporting my sister. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and I was his carer until he died a year ago this month. It really wasn't until the other day, after we received a handful of comments about relief following our recent post about suicide grief, that I realized the experience of relief after a death warrants its own discussion. He was 51 at the time; Judah was 2. Put up those boundaries if thats what youve done. It sounds like youve been through a huge amount. Updated on August 12, 2021 Verywell / Catherine Song As a therapist, I already knew a thing or two about grief at least on an intellectual level. I still feel more relief than grief. For others, the end of an unhappy and complicated relationship just comes as a . I miss the parts of her that cracked jokes, and giggled. This posting spoke so directly to me as the first anniversary of my son Stevens suicide (June 6th) approaches. I was closest to him so I took the brunt of his anger and I understand that part.
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