Repeated gray rocking may cause your narcissist husbands rage to rise to vicious levels. When my daughter turns 18 in a few years and I am no longer legally bound to her narcissistic father, I may even find sympathy for him. Techniques That You Can Use to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting. Our article How to Deal With the Emotions of Going No Contact With a Narcissist has a lot of helpful information that you can use if you find it hard to go No Contact with the flying monkeys in your life. The goal of the Gray Rock Method is to make the interactions that you have with them so uninteresting and unrewarding that they label you as boring and leave you alone. It involves adding some niceties to gray rock communication. Take control of your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs. After her father began filming me at exchanges, my daughter wanted to see her therapist again. One of the most dangerous adversaries that youll likely come across in a narcissistic environment is a flying monkey. However, you give those at such meaningless levels that they find it boring. But isnt that the point of the narcissists onslaught? Hope is double-edged; false hope can set you on a collision course with despair. When you dont follow his rules or behave according to his specifications, you are reminding him of his lack of control. If a protective mother attempts to expose an abusive ex to a judge, she runs the risk of being labeled a parental alienator and ultimately losing her children. Yes, its an addiction. They like to create emotional drama and draw you out to break into a reaction. Youll soon discover that its a frightened, insecure shell of a person who is barraging you with emails, texts and phone calls. Narcissists lash out without thinking about the consequences. They say, Hey! Studies show that high-power people act uninhibitedly and are less accurate judges of their partners emotions. However, it is still ultimately gray rock and unlikely to hold a narcissist's interest for a prolonged period. Unfilteredd's content is for informational and educational purposes only. @media(min-width:0px){#div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-box-4-0-asloaded{max-width:300px!important;max-height:250px!important}}if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'happyproject_in-box-4','ezslot_14',668,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-box-4-0');Gray rocking makes the other person become so bored by your detached attitude that they let go of you. For example, imagine that the narcissist in your life said, I heard that you didnt get hired at that job that you wanted. In narcissistic relationships, boundaries, both simple and complex, are extremely difficult to set and maintain. On any day that I dont see an email from him in my inbox, my pulse is normal, there is no tension, and I get to relax for a short period of time. You have refused to speak with me or behave as a responsible co-parent since October. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. Using the Narc Decoder, here is the real meaning behind those words: I own my daughter and she is only my child. A Gray Rock response to this message would be no response at all. The basic idea is that you embody all the thrill and excitement of exactly that: a gray rock. Author Bio: Written and reviewed by Sandip Roy medical doctor, psychology writer, and happiness researcher. Calmly ask them a few times if they are finished so that you can go on to another important task.@media(min-width:0px){#div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-leader-2-0-asloaded{max-width:300px!important;max-height:250px!important}}if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'happyproject_in-leader-2','ezslot_5',643,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-leader-2-0'); Be careful to have thought out a specific task because they will most likely inquire you about it. The second you pick up the phone, the manipulation starts. Its name comes from the idea that a yellow rock appears friendlier, warmer and more inviting than a gray rock. how to correctly argue with a narcissist. It's the gray rock method with politeness scattered throughout. How to Be Happy Anyway, Are You Unappreciated? Find out how to correctly argue with a narcissist. The holy writ of narcissism is that it is an addiction to power and control. He used my generosity to stab me in the back. Fast forward 12 years after the birth of our daughter in 2007, and I am now a walking textbook on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Twelve excruciating years trying to co-parent with a narcissist. There is a hidden risk to this strategy that is not often mentioned, but Ive witnessed it with clients who have practiced it after living with a narcissist for some years. Sometimes they make promises they dont intend to keep, but just as often, they merely forget. In the reverse gray rock method, the victim simply yields to the narcissists demands. Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert and author on relationships and codependency. Have a nice day.. Are you enduring a high-conflict custody battle or, are you being forced to "co-parent" with a narcissist or sociopath? Wink, Paul. Getting away from an abusive person who makes you walk on eggshells, whether he or she is a narcissist or not, is ultimately an act of self-love. Julia Meslener for Scary Mommy and Caiaimage/Paul Bradbury/Getty, According to clinical psychologist Al Bernstein. This is a great example of the Yellow Rock Method being used. (See Can You Tell if a Narcissist Loves You.) If so, deep yearnings will sabotage your gray rock performance. Get professional help to rebuild your courage and decisiveness. Love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction. How to Use the 'Gray Rock' Method With a Narcissist Home Health Here's how victims of narcissists can use the 'gray rock' method when no contact isn't an option Lindsay Dodgson Jun 18, 2019, 5:31 AM PDT Being as boring as a gray rock means toxic people turn elsewhere to cause chaos. People who are emotionally safe are going to respect the boundary that youve set and allow you to slowly open yourself up in a way that is comfortable for you. The purpose of a firewall in a computer is to provide protection against outside cyber attackers by shielding your computer or network from malicious or unnecessary network traffic. Keep your responses purely transactional and steer clear of stray talks. Your response was perfect because you did not give the flying monkey access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs. He is counter-parenting while I do my best to navigate the chaos that he creates and raise our daughter. As you become more invisible, your behavior feeds codependency. Co-parenting Communication When two parents are working together to raise their children even after their romantic relationship has ended, we call this co-parenting. Im fortunate to have a loving husband and friends to hold me up when I want to crash. For example, you may say please make sure to check in with me before you bring a friend over to our house, and the narcissist may respond remember all the times you have brought our next door neighbor into our house without even telling me?. And when he finally wins, it feels empty to him because he is an addict. Unfilteredd's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Self-care is critical. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Its best to use this technique when you cant go No Contact or when you have to break No Contact for some reason such as a funeral, a wedding, a court case, etc. So, dont stand scared stiff before the narcissist, as it can actually make you less capable and less willing to act. Over time this will manipulate you into developing a belief that you dont have a right to set boundaries with other people. It makes them think or utter, Its no use wasting my breath on her. The gray rock method is a distraction strategy used to get toxic people to leave you alone. I will be implementing it from now on! Observe in the mirror how you appear when you feel anxious, fearful, depressed, or frustrated, and then try putting on a deadpan expression. Yellow Rock Method - Narcissistic Abuse Support Platform. Even if youre accused, you might agree or say nothing. It is normal to want to find someone that you can be vulnerable with. Again, the term meaningful interactions refers to any interaction that gives the narcissist access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and/or needs. The idea is to blend into the background, like a gray rock. When you use the Yellow Rock Method, you have a much more professional approach that is much more respectful to the person you are trying to protect yourself from. There are many different ways that flying monkeys can get access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs. Do whatever you need to do to release your anger or grief. Now, usually there isnt anything wrong with coming off as cold, uncooperative, immature, and arrogant when you are protecting yourself from abuse and manipulation. Why is happiness important? @media(min-width:0px){#div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-narrow-sky-1-0-asloaded{max-width:336px!important;max-height:280px!important}}if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[336,280],'happyproject_in-narrow-sky-1','ezslot_13',648,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-happyproject_in-narrow-sky-1-0'); Never project to the narcissist a low level of power through your body language. Of course, his allegations were unfounded, but even in the midst of the turmoil that I was going through, I thought perhaps he believed I was stealing the money and he was trying to protect her. Narcissists are going to try to manipulate you into sharing information with them that they can use to gain power and control over you as quickly as possible. The best and most permanent method to deal with a narcissist is to go No Contact.. When my daughter was about ten years old in 2017, I thought about some of his characteristics: lack of empathy, sense of entitlement and superiority, being a bully, angry, and anger issues, to name a few. When my lawyer and I were on the cusp of attending the hearing at which a judge would learn of his decision to not let our daughter get braces, he became more amenable to negotiating an agreement. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Its name originated from the idea that people dealing with narcissists become like nondescript rocks and pebbles that we dont notice while walking down the road. Gray rocking means acting like a gray-colored stone that is unreactive to everything said and done to it. He needs to win even more. Its the gray rock method with politeness scattered throughout. It's a term you will hear quite a bit in family court, in divorce support groups and from mental health professionals. However, if you are not careful, this strategy can backfire, and the narcissist may keep pressuring you into harsher demands without letting up. He made getting my daughters braces an impediment to my living the quiet life I desired. So, instead of saying, Why do you have to be such a jerk all of the time?. She instills empathy in them because their father cant. Communication with a narcissist often requires techniques for coping with and minimizing the toxic manipula. It isnt the best strategy to feel safe and get your needs met. I have no intention of putting my anger towards you aside and changing my behavior so that we may co-parent. Heres the catch though, when you use the Gray Rock Method, theres a possibility that you could come off as cold, uncooperative, immature, and arrogant. It means that you completely disconnect your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs from the narcissist in your life. A fantastic way that you can do this is practicing daily affirmations. The painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions that narcissists suppress are the parts of their identity that they find unacceptable. Let's dive into the benefits and risks of using the grey rock vs. yellow rock method. Narcissism is a condition characterized by excessive self-love, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. Literally, if he handed me a $100 dollar bill with no strings attached, I would say hell no. Looking into an angry narcissists eyes can evoke instant fear, even before you realize it. Experiencing this will leave you feeling helpless, hopeless, and powerless. Allow him to dig his own hole. Its 65/35. In such a case, its better to confront abuse, set boundaries, and take steps to protect yourself. This can be traumatic. Narcissists often project their behavior onto their target. Secondly, the narcissists fake boundary setting, can also gaslight you by making you question your own boundary setting (image below). The Gray Rock Method is a form of communication that you can use by restraining yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the abusive people in your life. Women feel shame when really the men should. Here are a few ways to practice radical acceptance in daily life: To build a strong firewall, you must be willing to restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist in your life. Everything in their world is quid pro quo. While he personally believed that his actions were reasonable, he knew intellectually that preventing our daughter from getting braces wouldnt be acceptable to a judge. I will place the blame on you for any stress that my daughter is feeling because I cannot take responsibility for my actions that put my need to punish you above her best interests. The sad irony is that we are expected to be friendly to our abuser. The article The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths was the first to use the phrase Gray Rock.. If youre with a physically violent partner, you may be in harm's way whether or not you react, because violent abusers dont need an excuse to take out their rage on you. Just like the Gray Rock Method, the Yellow Rock Method occurs when you restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with the narcissist in your life. They see you as an object that they are entitled to using to get narcissistic supply. Exploring The First-Name Effect: Racism in The Courtroom, How to Use Music to Reconnect With a Dementia Patient, When Apes Laugh, They Offer a Window Into Human Evolution, 35 Years After My Brother's Suicide, I Give Thanks, 3 Reasons Why You Feel Overpowered by Your Partner, Always Wishing You Had a Better Life? He told the SSA rep that he should receive her monetary portion of disability because we share parenting time equally. Your nonresistance makes it harder for them to project onto you. By not expressing yourself, you risk becoming alienated from your real self. She just does not understand what I am saying., That is your moment of escape and victory. Three potential roles, and how you can get out. Using the Low Contact Method essentially means that you become very selective about where, when, how, and why you cross paths with the high-conflict people in your life, and when you do, you restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with them. I know those days when Ive wanted to pull my hair out. For example, in the previous section we told you that a Gray Rock response could be,Mhmm. In their simplest forms, boundaries are supposed to be easy to set and maintain because they are a verbal set of rules that you can set with someone else (image below). He has told her many times that I am stealing her money and called the Social Security Administration to have me investigated. You see, when you use the Yellow Rock Method, your approach to dealing with abuse and manipulation is much more professional and respectful. They may easily manufacture unfounded justifications. The mission at One Mom's Battle is to raise awareness and educate family court professionals on post separation abuse as it relates to co-parenting and the family court system (divorce, paternity and child custody battles). I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day., The flying monkey says, You are a liar and everyone knows it., You respond by saying, Listen, your refusal to engage in effective communication is noted, I will be hanging up the phone now. In such instances, either quickly get yourself to safety or react with such force that they back off. The idea is that your responses are as exciting . Activism provides an outlet for my frustration and anger. It is known as the Gray Rock Method. A far better option than going gray rock, if possible, is to break up or divorce and go "no contact." Radical acceptance doesnt happen overnight. Yellow rock method of communication is handling a narcissist, especially when one is co-parenting with them, with polite indifference. It is a gentler version of the gray rock method. Written by Elijah Akin, Co-founder of Unfilteredd. Unless youre living apart and unequivocally want to end the relationship, the Gray Rock method is a risky tactic to attempt long term. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. Yellow Rock Method For Dealing With A Narcissist. [Interesting fact: Peering into a persons eyes triggers a strong fear response in children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It involves behaving with them in a non-responsive way. I again place all blame on you so the court thinks that you are in the wrong and I may continue to feel superior to you. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. Would you like broccoli or carrots? Twelve wonderful years with my daughter. Leave such relationships, even when you have no money. Using the Gray Rock method, you make yourself seem so boring that the other person has no interest in you and will look elsewhere to get their needs met. According to clinical psychologist Al Bernstein: Never extend credit to, or accept promises from, a narcissist. The best way to deal with a flying monkey is to restrain yourself from engaging in meaningful interactions with them by using techniques such as the Gray Rock Method, Yellow Rock Method, Firewall Method, Low Contact Method, or the No Contact Method. To construct a strong firewall you have to remind yourself on a daily basis that the narcissists abuse does not define who you are and/or who you can be. When one partner acts as a caretaker of the other, it can create an imbalance and unhealthy mutual dependency. Building a solid firewall puts you in a position from which you can effectively protect your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs from past, present, and future abusers (i.e. "This strategy involves becoming the. So, you decide that it is best to use the Gray Rock Method in this situation by saying, Ive been really busy and dont have time to talk right now because Im meeting a friend for lunch and Im already running late, then you simply walk away. How to Gray Rock a Narcissist (3 Simple Steps). This may seem petty but you never know how a narcissist will twist your good deeds. As a general rule, there are five layers of protection in a strong firewall that you will need to develop: The importance of being knowledgeable about narcissistic relationships is immeasurable. Moreover, abusers will up the ante to elicit a response from you to regain control and reassure themselves that you have feelings for them. Toxic people like trolls and narcissists feed on your attention and reaction. How Long Does Brain Fog Last And How To Clear It Quickly? Maybe he wants to deviate from the schedule. He is the father of my child. So, there are some situations where you should try your hardest to not come off as cold, uncooperative, immature, and arrogant. The concern now was being exposed. Our article Why Is It Important to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist? has important information about setting boundaries with a narcissist. The Yellow Rock Method is a form of communication that you can use to protect yourself from abuse and manipulation. Gray rocking includes acts like avoiding eye contact and being flat-faced while listening to them. I will not acknowledge that you have communicated with me and instead will lie in an email so the judge thinks you are not a good co-parent. For me, doing someone a favor was never an expectation of getting one in return. However, I realized that would be granting him the attribute of being able to feel empathy. The term meaningful interaction refers to any interaction that gives them access to your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or needs. - All rights reserved. If they file a contempt charge, you must defend yourself. The gray rock strategy may drive away some abusers, but it does not work for everyone. Many narcissists are litigious because one way they can control you after you leave them is through the courts. Whereas low-power persons behave in a more inhibited, indirect fashion, and report more self-conscious and anxiety-related emotions. My mind was blown when I first learned this. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. The Gray Rock strategy is the most effective in work and dating relationships or when co-parenting after separation with the goal of being left alone. The term "grey rock" means unresponsive similarly to rock for toxic people or narcissistic people. Have you heard of 'yellow rock' communication? 10'000 Hours / Getty However, the method can be used to deflect any type of abusive partner, not just narcissists. But because of how good abusers are at portraying you in a negative light, there are certain situations that you should try your hardest to not come off as cold, uncooperative, distant, arrogant, and/or mean (e.g. Narcissists manipulate the people that they abuse into feeling obligated to not make such a big deal about their boundaries. You get something you want and he feels in control. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. However, what is often missed in grey rock method descriptions is that grey rock is also solid, un-movable. Keep things factual and impersonal, and avoid displaying any emotions. Exposing mens bad behavior is the key to change, and its no different with a narcissistic parent. This article is going to guide you through all . They project them onto you by abusing and manipulating you. The Happiness Blog is an educational and informational website on mental well-being. No content on this site is a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. He intimidated me, bullied me, and threatened me. Think of the grey rock method as treating them as a stranger someone with which you have no emotional connection. To prevent this from happening, you could use the Yellow Rock Method by responding with the following: I do not feel that these misrepresentations warrant a response and I see no purpose to this text message other than to increase conflict. One Mom's Battle is the intersection of narcissistic abuse and child custody issues. Being a gray rock requires you to suppress your natural needs for love, attention, companionship, empathy, sex, and affection.